I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
