Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
