It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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