the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
