so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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