i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
