I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
How does one acquire holy water?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
