My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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