I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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