i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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