I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
