Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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