Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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