my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
