ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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