I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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