I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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