I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
