Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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