I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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