oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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