I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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