I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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