don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
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He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
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You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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