my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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