i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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