I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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