Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
my sisters under your porch take her home
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
