I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I need moral support for this bender
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
