I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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