It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
