i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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