Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
