Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
