either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
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I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
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I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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