If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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