All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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