Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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