apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
