Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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