Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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