i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
