Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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