my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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