Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
