i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
