a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
