her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
