soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
