Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
