some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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