i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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