End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
