My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You are a genius and a whore.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
