cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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