Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
