He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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