I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
