i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
